Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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