Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
