Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
