There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize