Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just cut my nipple shaving
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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