I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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