just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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