I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
