Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
