Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
