if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
