Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize