Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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