Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
