Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
