My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
