she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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