Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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