Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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