I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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