i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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