I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize