I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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