3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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