Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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