the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
