Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My vagina just recognized that song.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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