In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
