nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
