i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
