If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
