Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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