shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
