Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
