Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
