Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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