Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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