I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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