ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
