The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
