based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize