She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You pole danced in your parka.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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