Just fell off a train. Bad.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
