I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
