I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
