Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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