So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
