seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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