I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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