I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
don't judge my taste in strippers
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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