Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
