he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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