I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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