i already hear my dad disowning me
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
