Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
