just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
