This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
