i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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