That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
