I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
